I’m like… 21.

This birthday, admittedly, does not feel birthday-ish. I’m hoping I wake up feeling different tomorrow. Twenty-one has had me feeling some sort of way. It’s this milestone that so many are excited to reach and I’m like… yay… okay now I’m just older. Hahah, joke’s on me?

Anyways, growing up is weird. I’m thankful for another year of life. Happy birthday to me… but also happy birthday to this blog. 

Today, I’m back with 21 things that I learned over this past year (read the blog post that started it all: 20 Things I’ve Learned in 20 Years). I didn’t think I’d be able to come up with 21 things, but I thought… and thought… and suddenly, there they were there. 

1.  Say “thank you” early and often 

As someone who has had seasons where it feels like I can’t find a second to breathe. I know what it takes to do something as simple as send someone a pdf of an assignment, answer a question, or do someone a favor. You never know what someone may have sacrificed to help you do something small… so be grateful and SAY THANK YOU! 

I think of my friend who helped me survive RTVF 190. We were constantly helping each other out and profusely saying thank you to one another. We had an understanding of how busy the other person was and how much it took to help each other. 

2.  Be a friend that steps into the mess

Good friends are hard to find, but the best ones are with you even when you’re not able to be funny, or happy, or smiling. Hold onto the people that step into your mess with you, not the people that back away because it splashed onto them or the people who are a little too eager to help you clean it up. As I said in friendship, life was not meant to be done alone, so find people who not only think this but act like it. And when you find people who show that care for you, BE THE FRIEND WHO DOES THE SAME (i’m yelling at myself). 

3.  Girl, you do not like him

Do not worry besties, a whole blog post that I’ve actually been holding onto for A YEAR will be coming out on this one. hehe.

But seriously, I just feel like so many women’s standards are in hell at this point and I just need to say to my fellow women… GIRL GET UP. Stop lowering your standards for someone just because you don’t want to be alone or because you like the idea of having a boyfriend. Focus on your friends and family and learn to love well so that you’re ready for the right person when they come. 

4. Life was not meant to be a punishment. 

You are allowed to take breaks, you are allowed to say no, you are allowed to quit, you are allowed to not like whatever you are doing. College is this weird stage where you are almost an adult in the real world but you’re not because you’re still in this school bubble. Being in this bubble after having my gap year made me realize how focused we can get on the things that are right in front of us. We freak out because we didn’t make it into that club, or we’re upset that we didn’t make that grade, etc. And then we do all these things to make ourselves seem smart, or important, or busy. Who said we had to do that? What would happen if we weren’t busy or if we dropped the class we didn’t like or we changed our major because it wasn’t for us? I’ve found myself in situations where I feel like I HAVE to do something even if it doesn’t bring me joy and then I really have to ask myself… WHO said I had to do this?

5.  Do it badly. 

Do the damn thing. Take the class, watch the Youtube video tutorial, start a hobby on a random tuesday. As #4 says, life was not meant to be a punishment, and it wasn’t meant to be a competition either. Who cares if you’re not the best at it? Our fixation on greatness has stopped us from trying the most life-giving things for far too long. There’s a Steinbeck quote that goes, “and now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.” And you can only be good if you start. 

6.  It’s awesome to be emotional

As we all do, we learn about ourselves as we grow older. The words of a friend, the lyrics of a song, the warmth of a hug, are all things that have moved me to tears. I’ve learned that I tend to feel my emotions to the 1000th degree. At first, I kind of hated that someone couldn’t cry in front of me without me tearing up too… but then I realized that it’s kind of great. I’m able to experience so many things so fully and deeply rather than letting them be a passing moment.

7.  Embarrassment is still a choice 

Still at #7. I had to remind myself of it a little bit more often at 20 than I did at 19 though. 

8. How people treat and talk about others is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves 

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9. A bittersweet truth: everyone will not be around forever

Within the sad truth, there is a sweet encouragement to cherish the people that are in your life right now. There’s this quote that says “in another universe, me and my high school friends are still having lunch together.” When I read that, I started thinking about it in the context of where I am right now: college. I have the most stable friend group I’ve ever had and I live 5 minutes away from all my friends. 

I thought about one friend in particular and thought, “in 5 years, i’m gonna think to myself, “me and __ are still eating lunch in Sarge together.” I don’t know if __ and I will still be friends in 5 years, but how beautiful is it that we are right now? And right now I can eat lunch in Sarge with them. (the Sarge part isn’t beautiful but you get what i’m putting down). 

People change and so does life. Everyone we meet has something to teach us and sometimes those lessons are the only things that are left with us. The volatility of our circumstances point to a desperate need to embrace the present and the people around us. 

10. Ask for what you want 

Last week I secured a 3-day extension for my entire class on our midterm papers. Why? Because I asked. I knew everyone wanted it and was thinking it too. And the teacher said yes. And she only would have if someone asked. 

People are not mindreaders and we can talk for a reason. Communicate with your friends what you want from them, ask for directions for a task at your job, tell your parents what you want for Christmas… (i have to be so explicit lol).

You can’t get what you need or want from people if you don’t ask for it.

11. It’s okay to be the initiator, but learn when it’s time to stop. 

About 6 months ago, I was thinking about lessons I wanted to put into this blog post. And I thought, “it’s okay to be the initiator,” was a good one. I do find a lot of joy in asking people to lunch or setting up some sort of hang out. However, friendship is a two-way street. And this year I began to realize how important it is that you have friends who are willing to put in as much effort as you are. I can’t force people to be my friend, I can’t beg them to continue spending time with me, and I can’t teach them how to love me (and that’s on periodttt 😛). So while it’s great to initiate, it’s great when you learn when it’s time to… well… maybe stop.

12. You are who you are 

“This book is dedicated to all the women who’ve ever been told that they’re too much. Maybe you’re too loud, too crass, too open, too bawdy. You overshare too often, say too many bad words, you’re too weird, or too emotional.

To the women who, in their quiet moments, still think back on their social interactions and wonder if they really are too much, if they should feel embarrassed, or ashamed. 

You are fucking incredible. You are my people. Don’t you dare dilute yourselves to make yourself more palatable.

You are all heart and fire.” (Dedication of Funny Feelings by Tarah Dewitt) 

I was thinking the other day about one of my friends who is a very agreeable person. They are sweet, kind, smart, funny. I love them. But at that moment, I was thinking about how differently I am perceived from them.
I feel like the quote above pretty much sums it up. 

I will never be the most agreeable person in the room. I am altogether “too much” of all of those things… and that’s okay. While sometimes an uncomfortable and not easy to accept truth, I am who I am, and I will never be anyone else (this lesson teeters the edge of pick me energy…. don’t worry I’m self-aware enough to recognize it… but please don’t let that cloud the lesson I’m trying to make here hehe).

13. Learn when to shut up

I like to give unsolicited advice sometimes. I like to correct people when they’re wrong. I like to give my opinion. In my 20th year, I had some moments where I would just keep those things to myself. Sometimes you need to let people arrive someplace on their own. Sometimes, you’re wrong. Sometimes, it’s okay if it just stays in the mental drafts. Sometimes you need to be the one who listens. 

14. It hurts to hurt people

Don’t worry, I didn’t just learn this. But I was reminded of it. Sometimes it feels like getting back at someone will feel good… but it never does. Gossip, excluding people, etc… it just leaves me feeling icky tbh.

15. Life will not follow your script 

Alt heading: People ARE WEIRDDDDD

No seriously, I expect people to have basic communication skills in college and that’s just not the case unfortunately. There are so many times certain conversations, encounters, or events did not go the way I planned (either because of my own fault or others). But life will just not go the way you planned for it. People will not follow your mental script of a conversation and sometimes it takes a really unexpected turn. I’ve been learning to just accept that. 

16.  Genuine acts of kindness do not need to be repaid 

This is a quote from a Hallmark movie… respectfully. But it’s so true. 

I feel like I have friends that when I do something nice for them, they immediately feel the need to do something of a similar caliber in return. It’s like when you receive an unsolicited birthday gift. If that birthday gift truly came from a place of “i love you and I want to celebrate you in this way” then it should not need to be followed by you getting them a birthday gift (it can be, but that shouldn’t come out of obligation). And this can go for any act of kindness. If it’s truly from the heart, then there should not be any expectation of something in return (okay maybe the birthday gift was a bad example cause now it makes it seem like I’m telling people that I will not be getting them a gift if they get me one today lol). 

17. There are 2 times that you should really pay attention to the people around you

FIRST: When you have great success. 

Pay attention to the people who sincerely celebrate with you and are proud of you 

SECOND: When you have great failure

First, pay attention to who is still there

And then pay attention to who is still smiling when you are not

Then, decide who to hold onto

18. Whatever you tell yourself is optional, will be optional. 

I know this because I started making things that had been mandatory in my life for so long…optional. And suddenly, it just became easier and easier to not do those things despite how long I had been doing them. If you want to do something, tell yourself that it is NOT optional and act like it isn’t.

19.  Dwell on what is true 

We will never know what other people truly think of us, focus on the things that are true: you is smart, you is kind, you is important. 🙂 okay lol but seriously. Focus on the things you know for sure. And I’m gonna plug this blog post in case you want to read more on that: whatever is true

20. Do not be the one to say no to yourself 

In my last birthday blog post, I said “you are more capable than you think.” Which is so true. Something I’ve learned in the last year is that absolutely everyone is winging it. Everyone had to start somewhere so do not be the one to reject yourself from an opportunity that wasn’t even given the chance to consider you. 

I listened to this song for the first time at sixteen. This song is nostalgic for me because it reminds me of that worry-ridden sixteen-year-old girl who was scared for the future and who cried on her birthday.  

I no longer fear the future or being older. I’m thankful for another year of life. While twenty-one feels different, I know one thing for sure: age twenty brought on a whole new set of experiences where God showed me that He is in fact, still here.