welcome to all my deep and feely thoughts I had while being in isolation for 5 days. I was left to my own devices for 5 full days… this was bound to happen. Has it been a week since I was in isolation: yes. Am I gonna milk it for as much content as I can: yeah. (if you’re only going to read one day, read day 5!)

Day 1

Today I went on a walk and Olivia Rodrigo’s “Enough for You” hit so differently. The way I silently scream sang it in my head while pretending to be getting broken up with while the wind pummeled me… such a vibe.

In the past I’ve listened to this song from such a “role play” point of view because I’ve never been dumped or been in a relationship that would prompt me to do what she’s singing about.

However, on my third listen of the song, I realized that I might relate to it a little more than I thought. 

This song is about more than just a breakup, it’s about someone begging for love and not getting it in return no matter how hard they try. 

And as hard as it is to admit, I think that I relate to that a lot.

Like I talked about in lesson #2 of 20 Things I’ve Learned in 20 Years I’m still trying to really come to terms with the fact that not everyone is going to like me.

When I don’t remember this, it usually results in me having this desperate, “please like me,” mindset. This “begging” might not be in words but surely in actions. I find that I tend to build up expectations in my head that if I do x, y, and z then surely this person will show some reciprocation. And disappointment is usually what follows that thinking.

Since being in quarantine, this moment I had with Miss Rodrigo and a few other things kept bringing up the idea of self-love. I think a lot of people hear “self-love” and get really uncomfortable because it sounds like a really fluffy or gushy topic, and some people still see it as narcisstic.

I don’t think any of those things are true. I think we try to avoid this topic for the same reasons that we often avoid getting vulnerable with one another: we may actually have to face ourselves and our deepest thoughts for once.

A few things have brought “self-love” up for me in quarantine:

1. The fact that I’m alone and I’m talking to primarily to myself these days
2. Feeling really sick and gross has me avoiding mirrors and lots of negative body image thoughts are happening
3. I’ve come to the realization that I can feed my negative thoughts a lot when I’m by myself for too long

…

When thinking about “loving your neighbor as yourself” that requires the love for yourself to be pretty freaking good if you’re going to be treating someone else that way.

And this makes so much sense because if we have insecurities about ourselves, we’re more likely to project those sentiments onto other people if we leave them unchecked. Quarantine has made me realized how important it is to check ourselves every so often. Are we seeking and begging for the validation and love that can only come from one true source? (More on this in Day 5!)

…

Since being in quarantine, the reasons that I stated above have brought about some realizations about myself that I still need to work through.

In thinking about the third thing I listed, I realized that I can really let negativity fuel if I don’t actively try to stop it. What usually counters those thoughts is the interactions that I have with people (those obviously aren’t happening right now). People show me that things that I thought were so bad, really aren’t.

Realizing this made me so thankful for community. How wonderful is it that we get to prove each other’s negative thoughts wrong? How wonderful is it that we can give each other the reality check that get’s us out of our heads and makes us realize that things aren’t so bad?

Day 3

Today, I woke up to the most beautiful sunrise and then went on a walk. I would never have had the opportunity to do this had I not been in isolation. It’s reminding me to enjoy the little things more often. I don’t want to look back in four years at pictures of my college campus and think to myself: wow I never really enjoyed that.

I feel like when I go back to normal life, this experience isn’t going to let me go right back to normal. I truly feel as though I’m in an alternate dimension right now, like I’m on a different course in Mario Kart. Regular life was like Mario Kart stadium, but right now I’m on Rainbow Road. You don’t go back to the stadium and forget about Rainbow Road 😌

It kind of reminds me of how I used to go on church retreats or summer camp trips as a kid and think to myself: I’ll never forget this moment, I’ll never be the same. And then I’m back on my BS by Wednesday. But college is different and I really want to learn and grow from this.

Day 4

Last night I realized that as much as I like to act like little things that people say don’t bother me… sometimes they do. 😔

Like for the most part it’s all thick skin and an elastic heart here… but sometimes something can really crawl under. Suddenly, I find myself just replaying in my head what someone said and thinking about all the ways I should have responded to prove them wrong or told them about how it hurt (hopefully this sounds relatable).

Today, as I was just so done with feeling sad and annoyed, I literally just asked God to give me peace. And maybe it’s the sunrise on my face reminding me that the world is so much bigger than whatever I’m facing right now, but honestly I’m good now. So maybe when we’re feeling sad all we need to do is ask God for help, take a nap, and spend some time outside.

Day 5

As I was getting DOWN to “I Thank God” by Maverick City in the bathroom tonight I realized probably the biggest takeaway from my time here and what I think God has wanted me to realize all along.

I decided to put on some worship music tonight because I was just so happy to see the things that were happening with Joshua Basset in LA and the other instances of revival happening around the country right now. During the bridge of the song: “hell lost another one. I am free,” I realized that the joy I had in that moment should be the joy I have everyday. Everyday truly should feel this good.

I was supposed to go to a conference this weekend but I think it’s so amazing that the same God that’s speaking to hundreds of students someplace else is also speaking to me right here. In a way, I think maybe God put me here so we could have our own little WinCon 💀

And then I realized that I have felt so much joy and peace while being in here and it’s because God has been with me this whole time. I am never alone because He is with me. Jesus is the best friend we could have ever asked for or imagined. Recently, I feel like friendship has been something I’ve been pondering on. I’ve been worrying about how to navigate friendships in college and how to handle all the nuance that each one brings and who is gonna be a closer friend and who will I grow apart from over time. And God just showed me these past few days that no matter what happens, He is my best friend and He has the rest under control. That might sound a little sappy or corny but it’s so true. It’s not worth trying to find happiness in other friends, your family, a partner, etc because it will fail and our ultimate joy is to come from Him. And to circle back to some of the things that I was thinking about in terms of self-love on Day 1, we don’t need to seek the approval of other people when God’s is the only approval that matters. And we can know that we are enough because Jesus is enough.

God is so good!! Everyday we can sing that “HELL LOST ANOTHER ONE!!!” Everyday should feel this good!!

P.S. praying for whoever gets my room and bathroom in Hinman after me because phew chile… it is filled with the Spirit now 😛

Thanks for reading my quarantine confessions! More regular blog posts will be coming soon :)))