side note: hahaha for friends and family reading this. I wrote this like a month or so ago and edited/added to it recently. However, you do not need to worry about me, doing great. Well, as great as I’ll get for right now. okie let’s get into it.

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My grandmother passed away on December 11, 2022. She was the kind of person who was so loving and kind, it annoyed those with calloused hearts. It annoyed someone like me sometimes.

When I think of my loved ones that have passed away, sometimes I think they’re passing was just a dream. Soon I will wake up.

And then I’m reminded it’s not. When people say they need to “process” someone’s death, I wonder what they mean by that. Does it mean to come to terms with it? Does it mean to finally be able to hold yourself together when you think of them? I don’t know if I’ll ever truly process my loved ones passing away. And part of me doesn’t really want to. I forever want my love for them to be within me as a reminder. I don’t want there to ever be a time when I think of them and don’t start to tear up a little bit.

But grief is especially hard during a time like this: the winter, the cold, the grey. When I look outside and it seems the sky wants to grieve with me.

But something I realized this morning was that God created this season too. He created the grey of winter, the cold, and the dreariness. And in that time, I think there is the opportunity to search for Him in a new way.

What is grief if not love persevering?

That’s a quote from a marvel movie, not my words lol. However, I love the sentiment that grief is a whole lot of love with nowhere to go anymore.

Perhaps, the grey season is a time to show love to those around us in a different way. Grief provides us the opportunity to examine within ourselves if we have any love that is stored in hearts that does have somewhere to go. There are lots of people in my life that I could tell them I love them a whole lot more, or hang out with them more, or give them a phone call, or do something encouraging for them. And in a time like the winter, chances are I’m not the only one who feels more down than usual.

These acts of love are not making up for what I couldn’t have with my grandmother nor are they done out of regret. Instead I see it like this: because a part of my heart will forever be clogged with love for her, I should more freely pour out the love that I have for those still with me.

I now see that grief is a time when we can acknowledge our love for those who are no longer with us but also express the love for those who are.

The other day, I was working on a birthday gift for my dad which was a collection of photos of my grandmother’s house, his childhood home. We don’t know what’s going to happen to the house, but it’s certainly not going to look the way it always has for much longer. My dad and I are both sentimental people, so I know these rooms are more than just furniture and wall decor. These rooms are artwork of his childhood, milestone markers of his life, and pieces of him. As I was putting the photos together, I was writing some captions about what each room meant or a fun memory we had in it. I was smiling and laughing the whole time thinking about my grandparents and what their lives and their home had given to us for so many years. And while that smile may be followed by tears, it is only momentary. Because a lifetime of love cannot be washed away by a moment of grief.

So in doing this for my dad, this act of love brightened my day and it will ultimately bless him too. However, it all started with grief.

All this to say… perhaps grief in the grey is an opportune time to make someone else’s life more colorful.

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